My Week

Apparently I've used up my free amount of picture storage for my blog.  Not sure what to do next.  Fellow bloggers, what do you do?

Little Miss and Pumpkin each came home with colds from school last week.  Hubby & I both came down with it soon after and as much as we tried to avoid it, so did Champ.  Needless to say, this week has been pretty rough.  Poor baby still is in the getting worse stage.  Right now I'm monitoring him to make sure it doesn't go into his lungs. :(

We're almost ready for Christmas.  We have to finalize our menu for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas brunch and pick up one last gift tomorrow [at the mall! three days before Christmas! EEK!]  How are your holiday preparations?

Hubby's family is getting together for their usual New Year's celebration.  With some unexpected help from others [another post] we were able to put together Christmas, pay bills, and save some gas money to make the drive.  Now we just need baby boy to get over his cold, otherwise Hubby and the older kiddos will travel without us.

How's your week?

My Fourth Baby

My Fourth Baby

1. Were you married at the time? Yes

2. What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant? freaked out, major concerns about concurrent medical conditions

3. How old were you? 30

4. How did you find out you were pregnant? HPT

5. Who did you tell first? Hubby

6. Did you want to find out the sex? no

7. Due Date?  13 or 11 December 2012

8. Did you deliver early or late? early

9. Did you have morning sickness? yes

10. What did you crave? fruit, protein

11. What irritated you the most? concurrent medical conditions

12. What was your fourth child's sex? boy

13. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy? 23

14. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? concurrent medical conditions of -PTSD, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, IBS, migraines; pregnancy induced carpal tunnel and reflux

15. Where did you give birth? Balboa; Naval Medical Center San Diego

16. How many hours were you in labor? 3

17.Who drove you to the hospital? Hubby

18 . Did you take medicine to ease the pain? no

19 . How much did your child weigh? 8lbs 0.2oz

20 . What did you name him/her? Champ

21. How old is your fourth born today? 6 days

22. Who does your child look like? daddy and older brothers

23. Did you get mad at your husband during labor? No

*
*
*

Quiz

Let's see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR FOURTH PREGNANCY PLANNED? no

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? freaked out

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? NO

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 30

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? HPT

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Hubby

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? no

9. DUE DATE? 13 or 11 December 2012

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? yes!

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? fruit, protein

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? concurrent medical conditions

13. WHAT WAS YOUR THIRD CHILD'S SEX? boy

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? we thought we were having a girl and nearly everyone we knew also voiced that opinion, so having another boy was a surprise

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? 23

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? no

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? n/a

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? yes, see above

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Balboa; Naval Medical Center San Diego

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 3

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Hubby

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? Hubby, midwife, nurse, corpsman

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? no

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 8 lbs, 0.2 oz

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? 04 December 2012

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Champ

31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FOURTH BORN TODAY? 6 days

Before & After

Before:

03 December 2012 0740 PST

[I have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, hence the wrist braces.]

After:

04 December 2012 0356 PST

One last pic before transferring to my postpartum room.

Welcome little one!

My birth story to follow soon.
[Hint: Labor didn't start until 04 Dec.]

Feeling Better

I just finished fifteen days of leave.

Hubby went to WY for some job training.  Hooray for more hours, and that he can still do it all from home.

We went to AZ for a week.  It was incredibly hot, but it was a nice break for everyone.  No appointments.  No having to be somewhere.  No real work.  Just time to hang out and relax.  And help some on the in-laws farm.

My batteries feel recharged.  I'm coming more to terms with my pregnancy.  I think everyone is glad its finally summer break here.

Some News

I wasn't sure how to share some news.  In April I had spent a week in the hospital, during that time I found out I was pregnant.  While in the hospital I started spotting and we thought I was having another miscarriage, I've had three.  This pregnancy was unplanned and rather unexpected.  With learning of a close friend's pregnancy loss I felt terrible guilt.  I knew how she had long prayed to have another baby.  Here I am.

We eventually wanted to finish our family and have our fourth child, after I was out of the Navy at least.  You see, I haven't been the same since I was assaulted last year.  My mental health and physical health deteriorated quite a bit.  I've stabilized in some aspects, but I will be medically separated in the next year.  We are hoping I am given a high enough disability percentage that I will be medically retired.  This would help my family the most.  With my pregnancy, the medical board was postponed.  Instead of being out this fall, I'll be out next summer.  Either way, it's not what I had hoped for career wise.

I struggle with accepting all the changes and what I obviously cannot control.  I know God's hand has been in my life.  I'm just dumbfounded that I would be pregnant, now of all times.  It has tested my faith.  I feel unprepared and unworthy.  In therapy I learned its the depression that makes me feel like that.  Still doesn't make it easier.  I wish we lived closer to family and friends.  I've really needed more good people in my life and close friends to spend time with and I don't really have that here.  My due date is 12/13 from my period and 12/11 from the ultrasound.

We started to tell others last weekend.  We told our children on Saturday, family on Sunday, and friends Monday.  I love what my sister-in-law shared with me.  When she was pregnant with her second child she was really worried about how close in age her children would be and her sister told her that "a baby is a blessing no matter what" and to look for the positives.

New Machines

My sewing room is expanding this year. I replaced my sewing machine with a Janome 3160QDC earlier this month.  After selling my motorcycle and paying some bills, I purchased a Babylock Lauren serger and a Brother PE-780D embroidery machine.  I suppose if I can't have one fun hobby I should focus on another.

I decided to sell my motorcycle as I have been unable to ride it for several months.  My fibromyalgia has just made it too difficult.  Lately, I've struggled with daily driving.  Thankfully, my dear husband helps me out and often drives me to work.  Also, my new sewing machine and embroidery machine have a stop/start button, so no foot pedal is required.  I pretty much stopped my hand crafts this winter, so I'm glad I can do some machine embroidery to make up for my cross-stitching.  Someday I won't have as much pain, but for now I find what I can do in the mean time.

One Year

It has been a year since my life has been turned upside down and inside out.  A year since the walls of my existence crumbled around me and left me feeling raw, exposed, helpless, utterly vulnerable, and alone.

I have learned a lot in this past year.  Built skills on coping, self care, mindfulness, and self preservation.  I am no longer standing on the brink of oblivion, but I am still in the shadows.  Through this experience my family has thankfully stayed intact and has gathered around me to be a shield to the nightmares.

I am still picking up the pieces.  My life has changed in ways I didn't think was possible.  My short and long term goals have all changed.  Most of the time I work day to day or moment to moment.  The future is fuzzy and vague.

I try to use my new skills to heed my self-loathing, self-doubt, and sense of failure.  It just feels weird.

In less than an hour my life changed.  Will I be defeated forever?  I certainly hope not.

I count my progress in things like brushing my teeth everyday for several days in a row.  That I still put on my uniform correctly and go to work like I'm supposed to.  That I'm learning how to let down my guard and really tell my medical providers how I feel, what I'm worried about, what hurts or aches, and ask for help.

How does one reconcile the hope and potential of a promising career, knowing your family is provided for and their needs met, with the stark contrast of your new reality?  That you cannot go back and do your job, that you are in limbo, having gone through therapy and treatment nearly everyday of the week for months and facing the military's process of separation?  Knowing it wasn't your fault.  Knowing how one event tipped a cascade of so many other things that even your spouse, your best friend, doesn't understand?

I am so scared of the unknown and what may happen.  When I realized I'm feeling or thinking that way, I remind myself that I don't know the future and try to remember what I do actually have control over.

Often times I sit at the computer and read news articles.  It's my choice form of avoidance.  Has been since my eldest was a baby, when he actually slept between his frequent feedings and screaming fits I would read on the internet.  Now I know what I'm doing, so I try to do other things.  I read books.  I work on crafts like sewing or cross-stitching.  I get a timer and aim to spend X more minutes with my spouse and children, nearly every time I forget the timer and enjoy whatever interaction we have.  Then someone starts to fuss and whine or scream, and I start zoning out again.  I used to be so nurturing and now I shut down.  Some days you wouldn't know I get like that, others it seems to be all I do.  Then I feel guilty.  And the self criticisms start all over.

My anxiety picks up little bits each day.  Its never constant, but seems worse just before and some during my period.  If there are triggers, it's really bad.  I hate feeling like that.  I know I'm not dying or anything, but my racing heart and cool sweat and hyper-awareness just takes a lot out of me.  And the nightmares are awful.

I don't sleep well.  I'm a light sleeper when I have a baby that's nursing, but this past year is worse than that.  Way worse.  When I do sleep better, I'll wake up three or four times a night and have weird to benign dreams.  Usually, I wake more often and will have mildly disturbing to bad dreams.  Then there are the nights I don't sleep but toss and turn, and doze long enough to have nightmares.  Reliving your worst experiences, bad things from books or movies, your worst fears, etc.  I struggle sleeping for days after.

New Mom Glow

Someone asked for pictures of me after I gave birth.  To see my triumphant new mom glow.  The I did it!

As you can see, I was more worn out with my first child's labor than my subsequent deliveries.  No sleep and no food for two days does that to a person.  Add on thirty-six hours of labor and you have a recipe for one worn out momma.  Oh, and I couldn't sleep after giving birth either.  Talk about an endorphin rush.  Too bad I didn't get much sleep for the next month and slumped into PPD.  Hubby was working overtime and I had no help with adjusting to motherhood.  No friends or family to show me the ropes.  I felt so alone.  And desperate for sleep.  Munchkin was the epitome of a "happy spitter" in the doctor's office and a colicky, pukey baby at home.  I learned some tough lessons, but those experiences helped me become the mother I am.  Munchkin and I learned together.

Either later the same day or the day after Munchkin's birth.

 After my rough labor with Munchkin, I was not about to have the same experience again.  I researched everything about unmedicated birth.  We looked into switching to a midwife and the possibility of hiring a doula.  With my pre-term labor scare the midwife was out of the question, and doulas were hard to come by in our area.  At least with our budget.  I was blessed with a wonderful nurse once arriving at the hospital.  I had a full night sleep the night before and a great breakfast that morning.  Twenty minutes later, my labor started.  Fourteen hours after that, and Little Miss joined our family.  Little Miss had the cord wrapped twice around her neck, though not tightly.  She had also released some meconium prior to birth.  From the lack of staining and her clear lungs they think it was during transition and shortly before birth.  She had no ill effects.

Twenty-three minutes after Little Miss's birth.

With Pumpkin I had on again, off again labor for three days before the real deal.  I had a midwife at the Naval Hospital, but no doula.  Not that there aren't doulas out here, time just got away from me.  When it came down to it, the family who was going to watch our kids had left for vacation and it took hours to get a hold of anyone so we could go to the hospital.  Then I found out the wasn't a midwife on duty, luckily it was at shift change and one just came on.  Great experience with my delivery.  The only thing that didn't follow my birth plan was the nurse lying my bed back while I was pushing.  Bad idea.  I ended up with internal muscle damage and a trapped nerve by the time everything healed.  Twenty months later and I learn all of this with a physical therapy evaluation.  Pumpkin had the cord wrapped once around his neck, loosely, and promptly had a bowel movement upon exit [he hit the sheet].  Pumpkin had some breathing difficulties at first and needed some further evaluation.  Somehow he didn't get all the amniotic fluid squished out of him during the birth process and it took about twenty four hours for him to have it all exasperated manually or coughed up.  Then he was a happy camper.

Three minutes and twenty-four minutes after Pumpkin's birth.

So there you have it.  A brief review on my births and my new momma pictures.

The Big 30

My birthday was low key this year.  We went to church in the morning and had family time in the afternoon.  I got lots and lots of hugs, kisses, and I Love Yous from my children.

Hubby made some casserole for dinner at my request.  We had raspberry flavored purple colored frosting on a yellow cake and ice cream for dessert.  Pumpkin and I shared our non-dairy coconut milk "ice cream".

  To finish out the day my family gave me a new rotary trimmer for scrap booking.

Thank you everyone.

My Dream Car

We went on a motorcycle ride up to Julian recently.  While walking around and checking out the shops we passed this car.

 

What is your dream car?

Sewing - Nightshirt

I made a nightshirt for myself using Simplicity 3638.

I made the sleeves solid instead of following the three part/striped design.  I also added length.  I wanted it to be mid-calf instead of above the knee.

Fixing My Sewing Machine

Yesterday, I took apart my sewing machine.  I cleaned it.  I greased it.  Then, I put it back together.  I ended up with a few screws that I wasn't sure where they went.

 

Today, I tested it.  The motor wasn't engaging the shaft to work the machine.  I took plastic casing off and investigated the problem.  I hadn't put the outer knob/wheel on correctly and it didn't engage with the gear behind it - the one with the belt that ran to the motor.  After fixing this, the machine worked.  I put the plastic casing back on.  I had less screws left over.

I tested it again.  The machine worked.  I re-hemmed the travel diaper bag and diaper pail liner.  The travel bag worked well.  I kept having issues with the liner.  It seemed as if the threads weren't catching on each other and would skip stitches periodically.  The travel bag and pail liner are both PUL.  Maybe the stretch of the fabric was causing the problem.  I'll try a different fabric and see if the machine continues to have issues.

Update:  The machine is sewing cotton and cotton blends just fine.  Whew.

I am still researching a new machine.  I found a few store in the are that are authorized dealer for the big brands.  I want to test a few machines before I make my final decision.  Thank you for any feedback on what you own and recommend.

Sewing Machine

I would really like to update my sewing machine.  It's at least 15 years old.  My parents bought it when my mother's broke, and after a few years fixed her Singer.  When Munchkin was a baby they gave me this one.  It is just a very basic machine, a Janome JF1004, with 11 stitches, a 4 part button hole, and reverse stitch.  I have been unable to finish Pumpkin's blanket nor sew new PJs for my children as I keep having issues with it.  I will attempt to deep clean it this week and see if that helps. In reality, I'm just tired of it.

I've looked at patternreview.com, consumer search, and more.  I've asked friends and relatives what they use.  The most common reply is to purchase a Brother sewing machine.  To be honest, there are plenty of glowing reviews on their products.

Then, I read the negative reviews about Brother machines and they are all very similar.  That if your machine has problems, you are out of luck.  From what I've read, the company will not honor their warranty.  I don't want to buy something that I plan to use quite a bit and have it not work within a month or die right near the one year mark.

[I've mentioned in the past that I want a serger.  This is still on my wish list.]

My questions for you are what sewing machine do you use?  Serger?  What would you recommend?

Breastfeeding - My Experience, Part 4

With our youngest child I knew I'd be up for a challenge with working full time and having duty.  I'd need a double electric pump.  I'd have to get him used to a bottle and not getting all his mama milk direct from the source.  I would breastfeed for at least a year, and longer depending on my command requirements.

Things I'm Learning - Challenging Questions

We've discussed identifying emotions and learning our stuck points.  Now we are going to challenge the stuck points.  As with the A-B-C Worksheet, it is best to complete several to get the hang of it and start developing your own self awareness.  Click for a blank Challenging Questions Worksheet.

Breastfeeding - My Experience, Part 3

When our daughter was born she took to nursing like a champ.  The only problem was she suckled so strongly that I quickly developed cracked, bleeding nipples.  Some patience and Lansinoh cream and it cleared up.

When she got sick at three weeks of age and was hospitalized for four days, I stayed with her and nursed on demand.  The doctors were very supportive and encouraging of it.

I wanted to nurse 18 months to two years, at least 15 months like my eldest.

Breastfeeding - My Experience, Part 2

When I was pregnant with my first born I wanted to breastfeed, but if it didn't work, at least I'd try.  I wanted to breastfeed for at least four to six months.

Breastfeeding - My Experience, Part 1

Breastfeeding is very important to me, but it wasn't always.

I am so glad my mother-in-law asked me if I would breastfeed my children when that time came.  She asked me this when I was first dating my husband.  No, she wasn't implying anything; she worked as a NICU nurse and lactation consultant for her hospital.  At the time I didn't know.  I was given soy formula when I was a baby.  "I turned out fine."  "I was smart."  I bought into all the booby traps and cultural mis-perceptions.  After that conversation my curiosity was piqued and I wanted to learn more for myself.


Click here for Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Favorite Movies

Here is a list, in no particular order, of some of our favorite movies.

Sailor Mom's
Stardust
Memoirs of a Geisha
A Little Princess
The Secret Garden (1993)
The Chronicles of Narnia movies
Princess Bride
Moll Flanders
Star Wars movies
The Lord of the Rings movies
Aladdin
Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Legally Blonde
Sweet Home Alabama
Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Star Trek (2009)
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
almost any Pixar movie
Laura Croft movies
X-Men: First Class

Hubby's
Princess Bride
Willow
Braveheart
Quigly Down Under
Fight Club
Star Trek (2009)
Bourne movies
X-Men movies
Firefly series and Serenity
Lethal Weapon movies
Kiss of the Dragon
Stardust
Rush Hour
Steel Magnolias
Just Like Heaven
almost any Pixar movie
The Incredibles
Titan A.E.
Big Trouble in Little China
Ghostbusters
R.E.D.
the Lion King
Aladdin
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Memoirs of a Geisha
Seven Samurai
Yojimbo

Things I'm Learning - A-B-Cs

 image credit: google search a-b-c worksheet cbt

Earlier we discussed identifying emotions.  Now, we will look at how they relate to thinking and actions.

Stuck points are conflicting beliefs or strong negative beliefs that create unpleasant emotions and problematic or unhealthy behavior.  Stuck points may conflict with prior beliefs or be reinforced by an event.  You can see examples here and here.  You will find that in the worksheet below, if "B" is unrealistic, it is probably a stuck point.

Some of the stuck points I found I have -
I let people down.
I should have known better.
I can't do anything right.
My ideas are stupid.

You can become more aware of the connection between events and your thoughts, feelings, and actions by doing the exercise outlined in the A-B-C Worksheet.  Writing down your experience provides a way to make your thoughts more concrete and holds your actions more accountable.  You do not have to share, but keep in mind that the questions at the bottom are to help you realize if there is any problematic thinking involved.  For example, to determine if your beliefs are realistic, what would your friend say?  Would it hold up in court?  Try not to judge yourself, this is a learning experience.

   image credit: google search a-b-c worksheet cbt